Not Letting Go
by fanakapan
Summary: Kirsten has hurt Sandy too many times now. Will the marriage last? How can she prove to him how much she loves him.....?
1. Chapter 1

She could feel her grip on her wineglass loosening as her hands became sweaty. She watched the glass as it trembled due to the shaking of her hand. She didn't even bother to try and reassure herself; her mind had became blank with apprehension and dread of what was going to happen.

When Sandy had said 'We need to talk' the tone of his voice had shaken her to the very bone; she realised she had pushed him too far. And now she watched his car pull up the drive and stop. The door opened and Sandy climbed out; a single tear rolled down her face: how could she have hurt so badly someone she loved so much?

Sandy opened the front door and stood there for a few seconds, taking a deep breath and wondering how he had arrived at this situation; when he had married Kirsten, she had been perfect. They had both loved the unlikeliness of their marriage: she had been rich, beautiful, popular, clever and living the kind of charmed existence Sandy had stopped dreaming about only a few years before. He also was handsome, popular and clever but on a completely different level. It had been an unwritten rule that the two different societies remained separate and lived their lives without being involved in each other. When Sandy and Kirsten had fallen in love, the situation hadn't been unlike Romeo and Juliet.

Sandy wondered whether fate had plagued them all along like it had with the love of the fictional couple. However the fact that Romeo and Juliet's love never wavered and was so strong that they eventually died for each other made him realise their love was on a very different path to destruction. He closed the door and walked into the kitchen.

He said nothing when he saw her. She didn't want to look at his face; his emotions were always easy to read and she knew the look he wore at that moment would probably be enough to break her heart with guilt.

'Sandy' she whispered. She spoke pleadingly, begging him not to say what she dreaded. When he didn't reply she spoke again:

'I'm so sorry. I love you, I was just….' He suddenly looked at her and she turned away, flinching as if she had been hit.

'That's what you always say. And then you go and do something else. It's as if you're trying to destroy me, Kirsten. Is that what you're trying to do? Trying to break me right down? Because you're doing well so far.'

'No' she gasped, as her body jerked with a sob. Suddenly a thought shot through her numb brain:

'It's not as if you didn't hurt me, Sandy. All that with Rebecca. You lied to me; you said nothing happened, but you kissed her, Sandy. You kissed her'. She knew this argument was pathetic and could feel his eyes burning into her.

'I lied to you?' his voice was soft. 'How many times have you lied to me, Kirsten? Maybe I was just playing you at your own game. First there was Jimmy- he kissed you, and I heard about it from him instead of you? Oh yes, that hurt. But it was nothing compared to this thing with Carter.'

'We kissed, yes, but that was it. It was just the same as Ji…' she stopped, realising she was speaking his point herself. Sandy saw this, and wondered whether she was now beginning to understand he had been through.

'No it wasn't just a kiss. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid. You were obsessed with him Kirsten; and it is bloody difficult- and absolutely pointless- trying to keep a marriage going when one member is in love with someone else.'

Kirsten had known this confrontation was going to be bad, but the guilt and pain she felt she felt then exceeded all expectations. In her mind she knew that she had not at all been in love with Carter- it had partially been revenge for the jealousy and hurt she had felt about Rebecca. Another thing, which she could not possibly explain to Sandy, was that somehow she had used Carter as a kind of replacement for Sandy- she missed Sandy so hugely that she wanted Carter to be him in her mind. Sandy was having his own inner battles. He loved this woman so much but after a year of hoping things would readjust, and realising they never would, he knew he couldn't continue in the same way.

'I love you.' She pleaded with him to believe her. She didn't know how to prove it any longer.

'Well that doesn't seem to be enough any more.' He said. She was sobbing openly, her slight body rocking back and forth.

'No,Sandy, please..' she turned an anguished face to meet his: 'Please' she said in a louder voice that was racked with pain.

'I have to think, Kirsten. I don't know what to do. I can't continue to be hurt like this. I need to think…' he put his head in his hands. After another silent pause, he straightened and, not looking in her direction, walked out of the room.

Kirsten watched him go and, to her surprise, a new determination flooded her mind. Their marriage was held together by a strand of thread. She would let Sandy think as much as he needed, but she was not going to lose the only man she loved.


	2. Chapter 2

When Kirsten went up to bed, Sandy wasn't there. The bedroom looked exactly the same as it normally did, but it did not feel the same to Kirsten any longer. Getting into bed, Kirsten was pondering whether to sleep in the spare room. It only increased her pain, to consider sleeping in the bed which she had shared for so long with Sandy and which, to her, represented their togetherness, and the love which she had tested too much and now seemed to be breaking apart. She didn't turn the light off so that Sandy could see when he eventually came to bed. She wondered where he was: his study? Outside? It then occurred to her that he might have left the house and gone…gone where?

'Gone to who?' she thought suddenly. The fact that her husband may be sleeping not only apart from her, but with someone else, made her feel almost ill. She sat up in bed, taking deep gasping breaths: and it was her fault. He wouldn't have done it if she hadn't done what she had to him- it was her fault, the pain she felt was thanks to her. And the pain she had made Sandy feel- she didn't want to think about the look on his face earlier on. She lay slowly back down, feeling completely empty. Then, she took out her arm from under the duvet and turned off the light.

The next morning, Sandy entered the kitchen to find Seth and Ryan sitting at the table, eating cereal. Seth was doing the puzzles on the back of the cereal box and Ryan was reading some kind of textbook. They both greeted him without turning, so as not to break their concentration. Sandy started to make the coffee, automatically making some for Kirsten. This action was unconscious but when he realised this, after giving a dry laugh and running his hands through his hair, he left the kitchen. He was both surprised and not surprised to find tears in his eyes when he left the room.

For the next few days, Kirsten and Sandy both suffered silently but increasingly. Kirsten felt like a lost soul- at work she did what she had to mechanically and without really thinking. So when Julie burst into the room one morning she waited for another pile of documents to land on her desk, without thinking about or looking at Julie herself. When no papers entered her line of vision she looked up, startled suddenly.

'Oh, hi Julie. Can I help?' Julie stood in front of her and looked at her face.

'Kirsten, what the hell is going on? You look like death, and you're acting kind of like you're dead as well.'

Kirsten tried to smile but failing, tried to bluff her way out:

'Oh, loads of work.' Julie's eyebrows raised. 'And..I haven't been sleeping well.' Kirsten could feel herself getting closer to breaking down and telling Julie the truth. 'Er…I missed breakfast this morning so I guess I don't have much energy..which could explain the..death..thing' She could feel that Julie didn't believe anything she said, and what she said next this reinforced the fact that she never had been or would be a good liar.

'Ok, so looking like death was an understatement. Something's happened with Sandy, that I can tell. So if you're going to attempt lying, start off with that.' There was a silence. Kirsten put her face in her hands and spoke:

'Things aren't good between me and Sandy….but…I..Sandy….' she broke off, and her body started to shake with the tears that flowed from her eyes. She felt Julie's arm round her and heard her murmuring some words of comfort.

'Don't worry, Kirsten. It'll be fine. You and Sandy can't break up- you're, like, THE epitone..epitome..whatever of love everlasting! I mean I didn't think there were such things as perfect couples but then you guys- I'm so jealous you know.' Kirsten didn't laugh.

'Hey mum, guess what we're all going to this weekend? This amazing party..it's on the beach and..it's going to be so cool.'

'Seth, all the parties you go to are on the beach.' Answered Kirsten wearily, assuming 'all' meant him and Ryan.

'No, mum, I don't like that attitude much. Looking a little sad? What's the problem? Can I help in any way, be it going to get you some medicine or maybe promising to give dad your suicide note.' Ryan glared at Seth and pushed him out of the room.

'Hey, seriously, are you sure you're ok?' he asked, obviously concerned. Kirsten looked him.

'No. Frankly, Ryan, I'm not ok. But I'm not quite at the stage of suicide notes yet.' Ryan stared at her, not knowing what to reply. So she asked him about the party.

'Oh, yeah, it's the Franklin's house-warming party.' He needed to say no more- Kirsten, in her emotionally shattered state, even managed to feel a bit impressed. But then she registered that the Franklin's were definitely comtemparies of hers rather than her sons. Ryan answered any questions she was about to ask:

'We're all invited: you, Sandy, me and Seth. It'll be really good.' Kirsten nodded at him and wondered what would happen.

She went outside and looking out in the direction of the sea saw Sandy outlined at the end of the garden. He heard her behind him and turned round. She looked awful; the effects of what she was feeling were imprinted on her face. He suddenly felt totally responsible for what was destroying his wife, and his heart told him to go to her. However then he remembered why he had done what he had, and in his heart he felt pain once more. With these two conflicting directions inside him, he tried to speak calmly:

'Do you want to go to the party?' Kirsten realised how few times they had spoken over the last couple of days. She wanted so much to speak to him, cry to him, beg him to forgive her. She spoke one word:

'Yes.' Sandy nodded, and behind the pain in his eyes she was sure she could see love once again.

'We'll go then.' They stood gazing at each other, yearning for each other, but then Sandy turned his head away and sat back down on the grass, with his back to her.


	3. Chapter 3

'It's quite special that we're invited to this party. I mean, only us and the Coopers are going of the people I know. I wonder how we got invited.' Seth had not stopped talking about the party for the past hour, and Ryan was getting slightly bored.

'It was probably something to do with the fact that your parents are like king and queen of Newport. I think we're just included in the Cohen family invite. Why are you obsessed with this party anyway?'

'Ryan? Have the Franklinsnot entered your orbit yet? Their house is soooo amazing, it's like right on the sea. And it's such a cool house and they know such cool people. It's an opportunity for use to boost up our social status' even further.' He nodded at Ryan, and then added as an after thought: 'If that's possible.' They were interrupted by Kirsten walking in the front door.

'Hey mum.' Said Seth. Kirsten looked blankly around and then spotted them on the sofa.

'Oh, hey. Good day?' she asked but in a voice that did not promote a reply. She spoke almost in a monotone, with no life or expression in what she said. Her face looked like a blank mask. Even Seth noticed there was an obvious problem.

'Mum, are you sure you're ok? Where's dad- shall I ring him?' Kirsten froze at the mention of Sandy. Her shoulders then drooped once more and she replied 'No' with a sort of laugh. She went into the kitchen, leaving Seth and Ryan looking after her in puzzlement and concern.

'Mum! Dad! We need to go now! We should have departed ten minutes ago. I'll go by myself if you're not down in thirty seconds.' Ryan raised his eyebrows at him and Seth shrugged like a son well-practised in getting what he wanted from his parents. Kirsten was in the bathroom applying mascara. Suddenly Sandy appeared at the door and her hand jerked, narrowly missing drawing a line of mascara across her face.

'Are you ready?' He asked softly. She put down the mascara, nodding. Sandy made as if to turn away, but spoke again, unexpectedly saying:

'You look beautiful.' Then he cast his eyes down and hurried away. Kirsten looked after him, unsure of how to react. Sandy reached the bottom of the stairs just as Seth reached the count of twenty-six. He walked out the door and was surprised to find that Seth accompanied him.

'Dad, what is going on with you and mum?' Sandy started to deny anything but Seth interrupted him:

'No dad, don't deny it. She looks like she's about to, like, break down or something. And you look pretty rough too. And in my head I make a connection, the problem must be between you two.'

'Son, I don't know whose brain cells you inherited but you owe them a lot.' Said Sandy, trying to end the conversation. However Seth was not this easily shut up.

'Well, you really need to sort it out…'

Sandy interrupted: 'Seth, I wish I could. But to tell the truth I don't know what to do at the moment. And I'm not open to suggestions.' Seth opened his mouth and closed it again, realising that he wasn't and couldn't help solve the issues that were going on between his parents. It wasn't until Ryan appeared behind him and tapped his shoulder that he remembered the party which had been his only thought up until three minutes ago.

'Hey, it's time to go at last.' Ryan said, expecting this to stir Seth up into another bout of verbal diarrhoea. Seth said nothing and got into the car at the same time as his mother. For Ryan, the journey that followed was one of the most uncomfortable he had experienced as no-one spoke or even looked at each other.

Two hours later they arrived at the party, and Ryan understood from the first glimpse why Seth had been so excited. The house was a giant, low-lying building, lit everywhere by tiny white lights. Even the trees were covered in lights. A man dressed in some sort of uniform greeted them and pointed Sandy to a space where he should park. The same man led them inside, taking their silence to be awe, which of course it partly was. The inside of the house was spectacular as well, covered in expensive and beautiful decorations some of which were permanent but some, like the three metre tall champagne fountain, were obviously just there for the party. They entered a long room which was filled with people: the end of the room closest to the sea was made of panes of glass, two of which were doors. A passing couple greeted Kirsten and she walked off with them, accepting a glass of champagne gratefully.

'How come mum knows all these beautiful people, and I don't?' complained Seth. Sandy looked after her and said quietly:

'Because she is a beautiful person.'

'There you go dad, just go and say that to her face and everything'll be ok. Yeah? Good idea, I know!' Seth looked at his father hopefully, but Sandy smiled sadly at him.

'Sadly, it's a bit more complicated than that. I'll see you guys later. If you're going to go swimming, do so before you get completely smashed.' He walked off to join some old Berkeley friends of his, leaving Seth staring after him in disappointment.

An hour later, Kirsten extracted herself from a group of women discussing the faults of their husbands.

'Oh my god, I can't believe yours does that as well. Isn't it just the most annoying thing ever?' she smiled at Mrs Franklin, who was talking about how her husband never put the washing machine on the correct setting. Kirsten was feeling claustrophobic and out of place. After sixty minutes of trying to blank out her unhappiness with a mixture of champagne and gossip, she had accepted that she had failed. She decided to navigate her way towards the open doors at the far end of the room, and after squeezing her way through and past groups of people involved in increasingly animated discussions she at last felt fresh air on her face.

'Kirsten. There you are.' She sighed, hoping Julie wasn't going to talk about what she expected.

'Jimmy?' She said in surprise as she saw the man standing next to Julie.

'Hey.' He hugged her, and over his shoulder she saw Julie scrutinising her face; apparently the fact that she was about to cry was obvious on her face, no matter how much she tried to hide it. When she pulled away from the hug, the tears came and she turned away from them, trying to gain some sort of self-control. Julie and Jimmy each put their arms round her while she sobbed.

'I don't know what to do.' She sobbed. Julie took hold of both of her arms and bent down so she could look at her face.

'You need to and see him. Tell him, prove to him.' She said, squeezing Kirsten's arms.

'How? I can't, I can't bring him back after what I did to him.' Julie hugged her now, and through her tear blinded ears she saw Jimmy point in the direction of the beach.

'He's over there. Kirsten, he loves you so much. You can't lose him.' Jimmy spoke in a matter of way, but she detected in his voice a slightly wistful note. Through her tear blinded eyes she saw Jimmy's face, and realised that he was speaking the truth. Even now, when she had thought Sandy was going to leave her, she could tell that Jimmy knew more strongly than ever that he would never get Kirsten back. She took his hand and squeezed it gently.

'I know.'

Julie and Jimmy watched as Kirsten walked off towards the beach.

'If Kirsten and Sandy break up, what hope is there for the rest of us?' said Julie, laughing, but they both knew there was some truth in what she said.


	4. Chapter 4

Kirsten left her shoes on the grass. She felt her toes touch sand, and she stopped walking to look around. She was standing under some small trees that were planted right at the end of the garden and from where the beach began. The sea was only about seven metres away. On her right was a small jetty that ran a short way into the sea and it was at the end of this that she caught sight of Sandy. She began to cry again as she watched the man she loved so much.

Sandy knew she was there. He continued to gaze out to sea for a few more seconds before turning round. The sight of her tear-streaked face and silently shaking body pulled at his heart and he knew his own self-control was approaching the very limit.

'Kirsten, go back inside.' He said softly. She knew now was the time, now was the only chance she had at getting him back. Taking a deep, shaky breath, she stepped out of the trees.

'No, Sandy. I'm not going back inside because I need to talk to you. I'm not…' her voice broke here and she took another breath: 'I'm not leaving you.'

'I love you, Sandy, and I don't know why I did what I did, but I regret it so much. And the punishment of not having you for the past four days has been bad enough. If you leave me, I don't know what I'll do. My life has and will always include you as part of it, and if you leave it, I don't think I'll be able to…I won't be able to..carry on.' She paused and bent over as tears rolled down her face and sobs shook her body. Sandy looked at her and wanted to go to her so much, but he still felt the sharp pain of when the trust he had given her for so long had been shattered. With a gasp, she looked up at him again, despairing at his silence. She spoke again, her voice loud and shuddering in a final plea:

'Sandy, please. What can I do? How can I prove to you how much I love you?' she cried. Then moving forwards in unsteady steps her toes felt wet, heavy sand.

'This is all I can do, Sandy. But please, believe me: I need you.' She stepped forwards into the sea but in her inconsolable state she hardly felt the biting cold of the water.

'Please don't go. I'm so sorry, and I know that's not good enough, but what else can I do?' she was up to her knees in sea water, and the bottom of her dress and twisted itself around her ankles, making her stumble.

'Sandy..' She was whispering now as her body was starting to respond to the cold seawater. Sandy started to run back along the jetty:

'Kirsten, get out of the sea.' He kicked of his shoes as he gazed at the pitiful sight of his wife standing thigh-deep in the water.

'For god's sake Kirsten, you'll freeze. Go on.'

She looked slowly up at him.

'I need to know which way to go, Sandy. I've done all I can and if that's not enough to get you back, there's not much point me getting out.' She was shaking and shivering violently now and she realised that she probably couldn't move at all by herself. She watched, almost in a daze, as Sandy jumped off the side of the jetty.

He swore at the cold wetness that seeped immediately through his trousers, and he swore again at the way the sodden material made his movements slow and unwieldy.

'Baby, it's ok. I'm coming.' She heard these words clearly and her brain partially cleared as she reached out to her husband. He wrapped his arms around her thin, shaking body.

'Come on, let's go.' She couldn't put up much resistance as he started to basically drag her in the direction of the shore.

'No, Sandy. First I need to know what you're going to do.' Her eyes, red with tears, stared up into his, yearning for him to say what she so wanted.

Baby, I love you. I did never and would never stop loving you. But after all that, I was worried that I was too much for you. When you love someone that much, the pain of being betrayed is almost to great to bear, so I thought maybe I should leave, to avoid being hurt again.'

Her blue eyes were filled with such distress that he carried on, knowing she needed reassurance.

'But I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't leave you…' She shut her eyes and took a long breath that was punctuated by shivers.

'I love you.' He said. She reached her arms round his neck, saying nothing but being slowly overcome by the mists that were drifting through her brain, which was at last peaceful. She felt Sandy putting an arm firmly round her waist and together they started to move towards the shore. Their progress was extremely slow, mostly due to the fact that Kirsten's limbs had frozen and the sodden material on both of them was creating a huge amount of resistance.

'Come on baby.' Said Sandy softly. He lifted her out of the water and she wrapped her legs around his hips. She clutched at him as if for dear life and he slowly carried her towards the shore, her body being light but shaking constantly like a feather in the wind.


	5. Chapter 5

He carried her up the beach and until they reached the trees. Her head was buried in his shoulder and he could feel her breath on his neck. The only warm thing about her was the air she exhaled: her hips which he encircled with an arm felt like ice, and her whole body was continually racked with shivers. Her breath came in short gasps.

'Kirsten? Come on, we're going to the car. Come on, hold onto me..' he put her down very gently but still retained a firm grip on her waist. They began to move again, Kirsten drifting wordlessly by his side. The party had moved inside by now, and they skirted the edge of the lawn so as not to be seen from inside. Sandy hoped and prayed that the few clothes he left in his car normally were still there- he usually kept some things to put on after surfing, and he couldn't think of any reason why they should not be there now. But then, he thought, he couldn't think of much else apart from the fact that Kirsten was probably reaching the stage of hypothermia, if that had not already been passed. The car lights flashed when he pressed the button on his key, and it occurred to him that it was very lucky the keys hadn't been submerged in the sea along with the lower part of his body. He opened the boot with one hand while supporting his wife with the other, and with relief he caught sight of his bag. He climbed into the boot and half-dragged, half-lifted Kirsten in after him. The boot was large, although height wise they had to kneel or crouch. Kirsten sat watching him as he leaned over the back seat to turn on the heating in the car, and then as he knelt back down and looked at her. His eyes were wide with concern. He moved over so he was right in front of her:

'You need to get that dress off. I've got…something you can put on, even though if you weren't at the point of freezing to death you would probably rather wear nothing than this:' he pulled a hoodie out of the bag: it was grey and covered in dirty marks. It was an old surfing hoodie that had probably never been washed in its life, unless the occasional dip in seawater can be classified as a wash.

Kirsten felt Sandy take the bottom of her dress and she knelt up on her knees to try and make things slightly easier in the limited amount of space they had. He pulled the dress up over her thighs, peeling it off her body like a second skin. She knelt down again and, all the while looking at him in the eyes, lifted her arms. He pulled the dress up over her stomach and then over her shoulders. Then it was completely clear off her body, and he tossed it into a corner off the car. He looked at her, kneeling helplessly in front of him, and he loved her so much He peeled off his own soaking trousers and then pulled his wife's body towards him.

'I'm so sorry.' She whispered.

'It's ok. It's fine. Come on, put this on.' He put the jumper over her head and pulled it down: the material swamped her slight frame and ended on her thighs, however Kirsten felt warmer almost instantly and the violent spasms soon reduced to gentle shivering. Sandy, meanwhile, pulled on a pair of boardshorts he found crumpled at the bottom of the bag. At another time he would have found the fact that he was wearing half a tux and boardshorts quite amusing, but at that specific moment his appearance wasn't the first thing on his mind.

'Shall I go and find Seth and Ryan, and we can go home?' he asked his wife. The image of her husband walking into the party dressed like he was made the corners of Kirsten's white lips turn up in smile.

'I think, knowing Seth, he would pretend he didn't know you.' She moved over to where Sandy was sitting and wrapped her arms round him.

'Let's just stay here.' He smiled at her as she buried her head in his chest and drew his legs up so they encircled her body. He kissed the top of her head:

'Are you ok? You don't have hypothermia? Or pneumonia...Christ, I didn't think of that one.'

She replied simply: 'I've got you.'

**Sorry this is a short chapter, I thought I might as well post it because I haven't updated for ages. Thankyou so much for the reviews.**


	6. Chapter 6

Sandy heard the rain starting to fall as sat leaning against the back seat with Kirsten gathered up in his arms, asleep. He hadn't been to sleep yet: the wheezing he heard every time she took a breath worried him, and the whiteness of her face had not softened. Now it was raining, and Sandy began to wonder where Ryan and Seth were; it was half-past one in the morning according to his watch and only a few other cars occupied the car park with them. The rain intensified and the drops hit the car with quite a force. Kirsten moaned in her sleep and clutched at his shirt as she did so. Sandy shushed her, calming her, so that her grip relaxed and she slumped back against him. The peace was interrupted as something hit the car, causing it to shake slightly. Sandy jumped and swore simultaneously and, cradling Kirsten's head and shoulders with one arm, wiped the inside of the window with the other.

'Oh god.' He said quietly as looked outside. 'Seth.'

Ryan and Seth had returned to the car. At least, Sandy could see Ryan standing close to the window looking down at something on the floor, and as Sandy moved so as to see what it was he had already guessed. Seth lay on the ground and Sandy saw with some surprise that he was still conscious after the collision, although he considered whether the fact that his son was pointing at the sky with his eyes closed meant the damage was deeper than just concussion. Ryan looked up and saw Sandy staring in disbelief out of the window of the boot. Ryan stared back with an almost equally surprised expression on his face. Ryan's gaze was torn away from the car as Seth suddenly grabbed his ankle and attempted to bite it. Sandy turned away from the window and wondered his nighttime swim had affected his vision. A few seconds later he jumped again and whipped round to see a hand on the window. A face soon followed the hand and Sandy stayed speechless and motionless for a few seconds until he heard Kirsten's voice.

'Oh my god, please tell me that is not my son.' Sandy turned slowly round to see her face just behind his shoulder and nodded helplessly.

'Honey, we mustn't blame ourselves.'

Five minutes later, Ryan and Sandy had made a combined effort to wrestle Seth into the backseat where he now lay, cackling to himself. Ryan sat in the backseat too, although he had squashed himself as much as possible against the side of the car, trying to get as far away as possible from Seth.

'It was a mistake introducing him to the champagne, then?' asked Sandy. Ryan looked at him:

'If you think he bonded with the champagne, you should have seen his relationship with the vodka fountain.' Sandy raised his eyebrows: 'There was a vodka fountain? If I had known that I never would have brought him.' He sighed. There was a huge crash of thunder and those who were able looked out of the window.

'God, Thunder? And look at the rain, it's like a bloody swimming pool.' There were several rivers of water running along the ground outside the car park and a few puddles that more resembled ponds were briefly visible as a huge fork of lightning flashed.

'Er. Shall we go inside?' asked Ryan.

'Well I'm not going out there. Seth is definitely not going anywhere, and Kirsten has already had her swim for the day.' Here Ryan looked questioningly at Sandy. 'I'll explain another time. But you go if you want to.' Ryan nodded and saying he would return shortly, and after giving Seth one last glance, opened the door and jumped out into the downpour. There was silence in the car again but this was broken quickly as Seth began to snore noisily.

'Sandy? You're not going out there are you?' Kirsten said quietly, her head on his chest.

'No. I wouldn't leave you alone with him, don't worry.' Laughed Sandy, stroking her hair.

'But I think maybe we should shift into the house for the night. I don't think we can drive anywhere in this; the car, sadly, does not have the function to transform into a boat. And I don't think sleeping in the boot is a very good idea either, although we can leave him here.' Kirsten coughed loudly and painfully, and her body tensed up.

'You need to go to bed. You also need a doctor.' She said nothing, but shivered violently. The door opened suddenly and Ryan's soaking head appeared.

'She said we can sleep there tonight. Some other people are there too. I can manage Seth.' He said, wondering how on earth he was going to do this.

'Come on baby.' Kirsten made a small noise like a whimper as he moved from underneath her. He supported her helpless body with one arm while opening the boot door with the other. He swore violently as he was instantly battered by the rain, and attempted to shield Kirsten's curled up body with his own.

'Sandy, please. Just leave me here, please stay here.' He ignored her and scooped her up in his arms.

'Ryan, are you ok? Just leave him there if you want- he's not exactly going to notice where he is passed out.' Ryan grunted in reply as he started to drag Seth towards the house. Sandy slammed the boot door shut and followed Ryan, wincing both at the rain driving into his face and the sound of Seth shrieking: 'Will someone turn the taps off- the bath's overflowing.'

Luckily the occupants of the house were either asleep or too drunk to really notice the fact that Seth was acting like a lunatic or that the bundle Sandy was carrying was in fact his wife.

'We're going upstairs.' Sandy said to Mrs Franklin. She smiled at him and nodded, although Sandy doubted whether she had actually taken in what he said, so he went off to search for a bed. The house was, as Seth had said, very large and the fifth spare bedroom Sandy came to looked relatively untouched and free.

'Ok baby, here we go.' He went over to the bed and lay down thankfully. Kirsten lay across his lap.

'Are we staying here?' whispered Kirsten. She moved her head up to his chest and pressed her lips against his skin. He closed his eyes with the pleasure of her touch, one that he had missed for to long.

'God I missed you.'

'Not as much as I missed you.' She whispered, unbuttoning his shirt. As she gently kissed his stomach, he ran his hands under the hoodie and up over her hips. She sat up to make it easier for him to pull it off, and then leaned forward so her face was close to his. He looked into her beautiful eyes and saw the pain was fading from them. Then she closed her eyes and her lips touched his. As his mouth opened and they kissed deeply, she moaned quietly. His hands ran over her bare back and shivers that were not from the cold ran over her body. He rolled over on top of her, covering her body with his.

'I can't believe you went swimming in the ocean for me.' He laughed gently, kissing her nose.

'Well, it wasn't only Seth who discovered the vodka fountain.' Replied Kirsten, smiling. They kissed again, but she pulled away:

'Wait, Sandy. You have to promise me something.'

Sandy whispered into her neck: 'I love you. I promise.'

She giggled as it tickled her, but immediately became serious again:

'No Sandy, please. Promise you that you'll never leave me.' He drew back and looked at her: her eyes were big and serious. 'I promise that I will never leave you. As long as you don't find someone better like you did last time.' He knew this would upset and infuriate her and, sure enough, she began to retaliate furiously, tears filling her eyes.

'Hey, I was joking.' He laughed, and kissed her gently on the mouth. They slept there until late the next morning, when they emerged as the couple they and everyone else knew were meant to be.


	7. Chapter 7

They left the Franklin's house at 11 o'clock the next day. Seth was in sort of comatose state and only made it to the car using Sandy and Ryan as human crutches.

'Thankyou so much for letting us stay here last night.' Said Kirsten to Mrs Franklin as they stood in the door.

'Oh, Kirsten, darling, it was absolutely fine. And I think you should keep my trousers, they look better on you than they ever have or will on me!' she gushed. Kirsten smiled and turned away to follow Seth and his support team to the car.

'Hey baby.' Said Sandy, panting, as he rested against the car door. Ryan and Seth were inside, Ryan trying vainly to get Seth into some kind of sitting position.

'So, we're leaving.' She said and rested her body against his. Sandy wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her head.

'I'm glad we came. Maybe we should buy a house by the ocean- it seems to work well for us, huh?'

'Mmmm' she said, turning round in his arms to face him. She leaned in to kiss him, but was interrupted by a loud thump as Seth's head hit the window. He was obviously conscious enough to know when he was needed to interrupt a parental 'moment'.

'Guys, please..not in public. We're going now.' He moaned.

'Well, at least we know the alcohol has not rendered him speechless. Pity..' said Sandy as he walked round the bonnet of the car to the drivers seat. The journey back to Newport was quiet, but in a completely different way to the tense silence of the journey the previous day. They were all tired, and Seth had passed out once again in the back seat.

'I think we should take him to the doctor or something.' Said Kirsten, glancing at her son in the mirror. 'How much did he drink, Ryan?' Ryan shrugged: 'Oh, well..by the time he left the vodka fountain it was kind of a trickle. So quite a lot I guess, but he'll be fine.' Kirsten was already thinking of a suitable punishment for her son, but decided she didn't have the energy to discuss the subject now. 'He can sleep- for now.' She muttered, and Sandy glanced at her, amused.

'Honey, don't be too harsh on him- I think the way he's feeling at the moment will probably have put him off alcohol for ever!'

They pulled up in front of the house at 4 o'clock that afternoon; none of them felt like doing much, not even eating: They manhandled Seth onto his bed, Ryan sloped off to the pool house, and Sandy and Kirsten went upstairs.

'Sandy.' She said quietly as they entered the bedroom. 'One question-Where have you been sleeping when you weren't here?..I mean, if you were with..someone else..' Sandy stopped walking and turned to face her, but Kirsten didn't meet his eyes: '..I mean..I'd understand…' Sandy lifted her chin so that she had to look at him, and as soon as she saw his eyes she knew there had been no need to ask.

'I was in the spare room. By myself.' He kissed her gently: 'I didn't sleep very well- I was missing you too much.' She smiled. 'Actually, it was probably to do with the fact that the threadcount in the sheets is far lower than the ones on our own bed. The standard in there is much lower than what I'm used to.'

She raised her eyebrows: 'Oh, really?'

'Uh-huh.'

'Well, seeing as it's my fault that you had to suffer such uncomfortable nights, what can I do to make it up to you?' a smile played on her lips as she slipped her hands under the waistband of Sandy's shorts.

'First, honey, I want you to tell me the truth about every lie you told me. I want to know about you and Carter.' Kirsten stepped back, and her surprise was swiftly replaced by pleading and crying.

'No, Kirsten, for God's sake. You at least owe me the truth.' She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She spoke quietly:

'Fine. But you have to tell me everything that you did with Rebecca.' Sandy nodded, but didn't follow the inquiry immediately.

'Honey, we're not going to make this an issue. You're over him, at least you better be for his sake: if he was still competing against me for the affections of MY wife I'd…' Sandy paused to think while Kirsten raised her face to look at him, amused. 'I'd..kill him.' They both knew Sandy was the least likely person in the world to harm anyone, but it did the trick: Kirsten rose and held both of his hands.

'Ok.'

'Ok?'

'Who's going to go first? I personally think I should as I went swimming at midnight for your sake.'

'I'm starting. I have more questions to ask.' Replied Sandy.

'No you don't. But fine. I don't care..' Kirsten lied, and holding her breath, waited for him to speak.

'Did you kiss him?' Sandy saw no point in wasting any more time. Kirsten let her breath out slowly, dismayed at his first choice in question; it was a simple yes-or-no game, but this simplicity was proving to be extremely painful.

'I..he..he kissed me. And it didn't mean anything, it was stupid, I feel so b..'

Sandy interrupted: 'Honey, there's no need for that. Just answer.' He had let go of her hands and now walked over to the window where he gazed at out at the sea.

'Did you kiss her?'. She watched his motionless figure as he answered with one word, answering a question she had already guessed to be true. She blurted out: 'Did it go further than that?' Silence. 'Sandy?' she cried, a note of desperation in her voice now.

'No.' he replied.

'Do you still love her?' she continued to speak, knowing Sandy had questions to ask too but wanting to know the whole truth.

'As it's my turn to ask a question, I'll fire that one right back at you. But about Carter.' Kirsten thought she heard a note of amusement in his voice and wished he would turn around.

'I never loved him. And I still don't.'

Sandy turned round and walked towards her. He sat down on the bed next to her:

'Rebecca's different.' He said, and watched unhappily as her face crumpled. 'I will always remember her, and because I used to love her means that I'll never really be free of her.' He put one hand under Kirsten's chin to stop her head from falling down, and looked deep into her eyes, willing her to understand.

'But I don't love her. I love you so much that there's not much left for anyone else. You're everything to me, and why or how I risked losing you, I will never know.' Kirsten sighed shudderingly and raised her own hand to his face.

'You're so good at those little speeches.' She laughed, and he smiled in relief. She leaned towards him and kissed him, whilst he pulled her onto his knee.

'Was she as good as me?' whispered Kirsten, breaking away from his lips for a few seconds.

'Honey, you're the best.' Replied Sandy.


	8. Chapter 8

The next day it was still spitting down and the sky was grey and unwelcoming ,although the rain had been subdued from the torrential downpour of the previous couple of days. No one felt like doing much: Ryan, Seth and Marissa were in the pool house deciding whether to move into the house for a play station game or if that was just too much effort. Kirsten was drinking coffee in the kitchen, waiting for Sandy to return from his surfing trip. She smiled to herself: nothing could keep Sandy from having his daily surfing fix. When she heard a car door slam outside, she put down her mug and moved towards the door. She pictured Sandy, still wet from the sea, getting even wetter as he unloaded his board from the car. When she opened the door, she froze in shock as she saw who was staring back at her. It was Carter. Neither of them said anything, but Carter suddenly lurched sideways into the bins, making a huge clattering sound. Kirsten still didn't speak: it registered with her that he was obviously drunk- she had seen that before- but there was something about him now that scared her; she didn't want him in her life anymore, but now she realised he wasn't about to disappear into thin air.

'Carter, what are you doing here?' she said in a quiet, shocked voice. She suddenly felt very vulnerable standing there wearing her pyjamas and a dressing gown. Sure, Carter wasn't the kind who would be immediately associated with drunken assaults. But Kirsten had seen him drunk before and that note of unpredictability remained around him- she felt she didn't know the real Carter, and that hadn't been a problem before: she had been buried in her own issues and didn't need to see further into his character than what had initially attracted her. But now…here he was, staring up at her with a strange look in his slightly glazed eyes. He pushed himself off the dustbin and started to move towards the front door, and still Kirsten stood there: one part of her mind telling her that there was something wrong with him being here and that she should just shut the door. But the other part of her mind…she knew what it was telling her was wrong, she hated the thought for even existing. And she obeyed it. She let Carter walk unsteadily up towards her: at the bottom of the steps, now at the top. He stopped when he was standing about an inch away from her: she could smell the alcohol on his breath and inwardly wanted to recoil at his closeness, but somehow she just couldn't leave him there in that state. After all, it was her fault he had returned- she had led him on. So, she decided, she had to tell him that she wanted him out of her life, that it had all been a mistake. Without realising it she had backed inside, with Carter following her every step. The sound of the front door closing brought her back to reality.

'Carter, you can't come here. I don't want to see you any more. It was all a mistake, I never wanted…' she hesitated as Carter moved closer, and she realised she had backed into the wall.

'I never wanted..this. I didn't want to hurt Sandy, and I don't want to hurt you, but it was all wrong.' Carter's face was very close to hers now.

'You know you don't mean that.' He spoke for the first time, his voice hoarse and quiet. Kirsten spoke again, a note of fear in her voice know as she felt the hard surface behind her and realised she was trapped. 'I do, Carter. I'm sorry, please just go.' She tried to move sideways, but he pressed his body against hers, pinning her to the wall.

'Whatever. Let's just start where we left off.' A choked sob rose from Kirsten's throat, and before she could speak or cry out he covered her mouth with his.

'Ok: Ryan, Marissa, what shall we do? Seriously now. I want a serious decision: shall we stay here or go over there?' Seth gestured over towards the house vaguely.

'Or we could go out.' Suggested Ryan.

'No, Ryan, invalid answer. That wasn't an option, was it. Nooo.' Ryan raised his eyebrows and sighed heavily. The three of them lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

'Is the only reason you want to go over there to play on the playstation? Because that's so boring.' Said Marissa, and Seth sat up with an outraged expression on his face.

'What? Boring? This game is like…the meaning of life..for both me and my ninja.'

Ryan turned to Marissa: 'Which is why I think we should get out for a while.' She smiled.

'Is there any food over there? I'm so hungry.' Asked Marissa. Seth didn't reply, still shocked as to how lightly she had dismissed his ninja battle.

'Yeah- I think Kirsten and Sandy are in, aren't they Seth?' Ryan poked him 'Seth?'

'Oh dear, that's not good. They've been so..all over each other since they made up from their little tiff. It's a no-go zone.' Seth was inwardly extremely happy that his parents had got over their issues, of which there had been several lately. They hadn't been parent-like for a long time and Seth had missed that, even though he knew the time would come very soon when he wished once more that they would stop trying to enforce a no-alcohol policy with him. 'Soooo?' he prompted, as he realised they still hadn't come to any sort of conclusion.

Kirsten realised her face was wet from tears- she had been crying silently as panic and terror took over her mind. Her eyes were open and she stared with blurred vision at the front door, praying Sandy would come home and save her. She almost didn't feel Carter continually kissing her mouth, even he was doing so violently and clumsily. His hands were pressing against the wall under her armpits and his groin pressed into to her painfully. Suddenly he grabbed her body with his hands and manhandled her onto the sofa. Pressing a hand against her mouth he looked around and listened for a sign of another presence. Then, satisfied, he looked back down at her.

'You know you want this, Kirsten. This is what you've always wanted with me.' Kirsten, suffocated by the weight of his body on top of hers, stared up into his wild eyes and knew there was nothing she could do to stop him.


	9. Chapter 9

Her mind was numb. She could hear her own voice crying out for Carter to stop, but the voice and her own body seemed detached from her blank mind. She lay on the sofa, her small body helpless under the crushing weight of Carter. She tried to twist and turn her body away from his groping hands, but was unable to stop them sliding under the thin material of her pyjama top. She feebly attempted to stop his clumsy fingers undoing the buttons, but he just laughed and pushed them away.

'You know what, Kirsten? I've been looking forward to this for so long. I don't know why I waited so long..'. He wasn't even bothering to cover her mouth anymore, knowing the weak cries she produced would be heard by no-one.

'Oh come on, babe. Enjoy it, this is what you've always wanted. Fine, I'll quit with the foreplay.' She cried out, louder this time, as his mouth moved down her exposed stomach and to the top of her pyjama trousers.

'No, Carter, please…no..' she sobbed. He looked up at her face and put a hand over her mouth again.

'Shhh, it'll be over quickly.' Kirsten, half-naked and helpless, closed her eyes and knew this was the end.

'Ok, I'm going to get a bagel. Does anyone else want one?' Marissa had risen from the bed, and stared questioningly down at the other two. Seth continued to gaze solemnly at the ceiling, and Ryan, glancing at him, suggested they should go out.

'Good idea! Why didn't we think of that two hours ago.' Said Marissa, delighted.

'Fine. Ok, after two hours I conclude that the ceiling of this pool house is least interesting piece of plastering I have ever studied..' said Seth. He sat up, and after experiencing a slight head-rush from rising so quickly, got up to accompany Marissa inside.

'I'll be one second' said Ryan, 'I'll see you by the front door.' Marissa opened the door and they made their way to the house.

'Oh my god. Oh my god. Seth..come here, it's your mum.' Marissa dropped down on her knees by the sofa, eyes wide and disbelieving. Kirsten lay there, her pyjama top undone and barely covering her torso. He head faced the back of the sofa, her face covered with hair. Her body was still.

'Seth? Oh no, oh my god.' She turned around, looking wildly for help, and saw Seth standing behind her. His face was white and shocked, his eyes staring.

'Mum? What's happened? Where's dad?' Kirsten lay motionless, and Marissa stared at him, unable to answer.

'Guys? So, where are we going…' Ryan hurried up behind Seth and stopped dead: 'Shit. What the hell happened?' Marissa shook her head at him:

'I don't know, I just found her. I don't even know if..well, she hasn't moved.' She turned back to Kirsten's body: Ryan moved over to where she knelt and cautiously, slowly, reached out to move the blonde hair that covered her face. With a shaking hand, he moved the strands of hair and moved his hand away quickly as he saw her face. Her eyes were wide open and staring, her face soaking with tears.

'Kirsten?' he said, very quietly. She still did not move, and she still did not say a word. Ryan glanced over at Seth who was also motionless.

Suddenly the front door opened and the noise made them all jump. Sandy walked in, whistling cheerfully.

'Hey guys! Woah, Seth, has something gone seriously wrong in your ninja battle? You look like..' he stared at his son, who slowly turned to face him. From seeing his face, Sandy knew there was something much, much worse than a dead ninja.

'Dad..' Seth choked, and pointed to the sofa. Sandy watched as Marissa stood up, supported by Ryan, and they all drew back. He suddenly knew what it was. With a heart as heavy as lead and fear tightening his throat, he walked round to see what, or who, was on the sofa.

He bent down, almost unbelieving, by the still figure of his wife. Breathing heavily, he spoke:

'Ryan, phone the police.' For some reason which he couldn't understand, he felt perfectly calm. He leaned over her thin body until he was able to speak into her ear:

'Kirsten, baby, it's me. Sandy. It's all going to be ok again now.' He stroked the hair that surrounded her pale face. Her body jolted suddenly:

'Sandy.' She said this as she exhaled a long, shaking breath. She turned her face so that she could see him, and moved her arm to touch his face.

'Help me.' She whispered. He gathered her up in his arms, still damp from the sea, and held her as she cried. He rocked her like a baby, murmuring to her, and they sat there like that until the police came.


	10. Chapter 10

'Kirsten, are you sure you want to do this?' Sandy looked down at her face and saw no doubt in her expression.'Yes, Sandy, I'm going to go. And if you don't want to that's ok.' She looked at him: 'But please will you come with me?' He smiled.'Of course I will.'

They were standing by the car facing the tall, uninviting walls of the prison where Carter was being held. He had been there for three days; he had gone missing after he left the Cohen's house but after a week they tracked him down. Sandy had been with the police and he remembered that morning well. He could still picture the face of the man who had attacked his wife to the point of rape, and Sandy was sure he would have raped her had Seth and Marissa not opened the door. When they caught him, he was hiding in a tiny flat just outside Newport, preparing to leave the town the very next day. The police had gone in and arrested him with no trouble and, after marching him out of the door, he had come face to face with Sandy. He didn't look at Sandy, but stared down at the ground. 'It was what she wanted, she didn't stop me. She's lying…' he looked up, pleading, at Sandy but stopped speaking when he saw his face. Sandy looked at him for a few seconds, and Carter tried to step backwards for the look on Sandy's face showed his feelings so much clearer than a punch in the face. 'Take him away.' Sandy had said quietly to the officer who nodded and pushed Carter into the back of his car.

Now they were about to see each other again, but this time Kirsten would also be present. Although the physical scars of her ordeal had healed within five days, the emotional impact she had suffered had only started to disappear when Sandy told her Carter had been caught. Suddenly, she became alive again, as if the flame inside her had been lit again. Now, only three days later, she was about to face the man who could have ruined her forever.

'Sandy? Hi there.' Sandy turned and saw one of the prison officers walking towards them. 'Ah, Jack. My wife, Kirsten.' He looked at her and smiled, surprised at how well she looked. 'Pleased to meet you.' He turned back to Sandy: 'So, you're here to see Carter Buckley. Both of you?' He was even more surprised when Kirsten replied 'Yes'. Sandy shrugged, and the man turned to lead them into the prison. 'Honey, are you sure this is..'said Sandy quietly. 'Yes.' She interrupted, knowing what he was about to say. She took his hand and he squeezed it reassuringly. 'I love you.'

They were led into a small room. It was not like the room in which Sandy used to meet Ryan: no one else was present, apart from two officers behind a screen. The windows were tiny and high up on the white-washed wall. There was a table in the middle of the room with one chair on one side and two chairs on the side closest to them. They walked towards the chairs. Suddenly a door at the back of the room opened and in came the officer who had met them.

'Ok?' he looked hard at Sandy, but saw no shake of the head. He glanced at Kirsten. She was holding Sandy's hand tightly, and her face was white and motionless. Neither of them spoke, and after another futile look at their faces, he stepped aside. Carter was led into the room. He was pushed roughly into the chair and handcuffed to it. He didn't look at them.

'We'll be in there.' Said the officer, pointing at the screen. Sandy nodded at him: 'Thanks.' The door shut. Carter looked up and stared in surprise at Kirsten. She stared back at him, her face taught.

'Come back for more?' he said. Sandy laughed bitterly. 'Still defiant? I don't know how you manage it. Only a journalist would be able to think up a story like yours and hope people believe it.'

'She knows it's true.' Snarled Carter, still staring at Kirsten. 'Lying bitch.' Sandy saw a single tear roll down his wife's face.

'You're all alone in the world now Carter. There's no one to believe you. And I just can't see your plan; concentrating all your lies on the one person who knows for sure they are untrue. What are hoping for- that Kirsten's going to feel sorry for you and admit that yes, she had wanted it? Or are you going to force her believe you- handcuffed to the chair, I think not.' The sarcasm dripped off his voice: 'The Jedi mind tricks aren't going to work either.' Carter stopped staring at Kirsten and looked instead at Sandy. He could think of nothing to say back to him- what was the point in lying when you were up against a man like that.

'If you ever get out of prison, don't ever come near Newport again. If you ever come near my wife again, I'll kill you.' Carter looked down at the table again, the anger inside him reduced to sheer hopelessness.

'What's come out of this, Carter? You thought you might as well ruin someone else's life as yours fell apart? Well that failed- she is standing right here in front of you. If I were you, I'd be asking myself: what's the point in being alive at all?' He signalled to the men in the room behind the screen.

'I'll leave you to ponder that question.' He said as the door opened. He put an arm around Kirsten and she looked up at him.

'If I didn't have you, Sandy, I'd be answering that question as well.'

**Sorry for people who were expecting Kirsten angst, but there's quite a lot of that already in this story! Thanks for the reviews**


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